This is my 142th post. so.

Monologue.

(ha! For I know you would not be reading this anymore, I am now unafraid of posting what's going in my head)

now i am feeling risky because I am confident that you would no longer visit this site.:-D


Aytako:I hope it is going well for the two of you. I certainly do. What would I be left with if ever it happens that your love is truly unconditional and you return to me?

Sci: I schemed on this thoroughly. In order for me to succeed to extinguish love and for things to be in it's "proper places", I devised a way for you to see me as a "disgusting" person. I knew you hated dorsal stabbers and that you hate people degrading you. You also hate people on crowding you out. Check, check and check. I also know that he would be ready and eager enough to comfort you so that in return you would love him back. Now, what I didn't see is that it had disintegrated a huge part of me and that I felt the sorrow I haven't expected to feel.

Aytako: like what?

Sci: I changed. It seems that I have lost a huge part of me and that I am nowhere left to infer my fragile truths. My childhood, my wonders and my fears...it is only with you that I can say it with all comfort and just speak of it naturally. Talking to you is like talking to myself, only better.

Aytako: I also hypothesized that you would believe this is my true nature (to find a weak spot of yours and destroy you) and that you would never return. I am blunt to slice and split my heart to smithereens..I have concerned myself enough of your welfare. I've been convincing myself that you would eventually learn to love others if I am far away. I have concentrated on the fact that loving someone "acceptable" to society would give you a better life.

Sci: That is why I've been saying this "prophecies", that you "would love another in the future and call it home" and that " i can be your bridesmaid" though something aches inside, something trying to escape and scream "i would rather not let you go and stand by you". I've been saying these things to prepare you for my "betrayal" and for you to subconciously interpret it as "So this is what Aytako has been telling me, Aytako committed a mistake and indeed it fulfills the things Aytako has been saying to me, that I would love another."

Aytako: My theories are right. He wants you and I have seen it. He saved you for you to love him. The things I planned eventually unfolded subsequently. My "mistake" worked.

Sci: What if you come back to me? I would be helpless as shiznit. I would be hopelessly surrendering all my love and you would be having every grip of it. I would be speechless and I would falter in my judgments. You will be at a complete hold of my heart. I would no longer be able to escape. I would opt not to take that route unless you do so and that you'd like to take pleasure in owning me (masochist).

Aytako: But all is going well...while I am on my own, I'd venture to improve my spirituality and to continue in my journey to search for the truth. All goes well for now and i'm giving you the best of wishes. Good luck.